No Prize Ponies

A good man is hard to find. To quote my childhood (and current) best friend "You're a prize pony mulling about in a pig pen." The pig pen is my home town. Population 25,000.

The men here can be classified into three basic groups: dateable, redneck, and aw hell naw! (Please note married men looking to step out on their wives are located in the aw hell naw category.)

The problem is, in a town of 25,000 - the dateable men are a much smaller portion of the population than the other two. So, I had to expand my search from Saturday nights at the local bar. (Yes. Bar. As in the only one.) I went to the Internets. And where does any fiscally responsible person go to find love online? OkCupid. That's where.

Even though OKC is a free service, there is still a price to pay. It makes it a hell of a lot harder to weed out the crazies, hornies and totally broke-ys.

For the fellas out there reading, lemme break this shit down for you:

1. I do NOT want a picture of your penis before I've met you in real life.

2. If you get my number and take the opportunity to text me all the dirty things you're going to do to me - that will be the dirtiest thing you will have EVER done to me.

3. If your first message is "heyyy" I will NOT respond.

4. If your first message to me mentions my boobs (magnificent as they are) I will NOT respond.

5. If you have only three teeth and/or a mullet - I will NOT respond.

6. I don't mind a little kink - but good Lord PLEASE don't email asking for additional pictures of various body parts.

[Note: I had a guy ask me for a picture of my belly when I was pregnant and another ask for a picture of my feet - neither one of those are a favorite fetish of mine. Ewwww!]

7. I don't want to go out "as a family" on a first date.

8. I don't want to meet your children (even for a minute or two) on a first date. A first date is about getting to know you and if that's the only thing you've got going - guess what? I also have reproduced. But I'm more than just a mommy.

9. I don't want you to meet my daughter for six months. Period.

10. I don't want to see a picture of your penis immediately after our first date.

But the online thing hasn't been a complete waste of time. There's a little glimmer of hope out there on the horizon. And that little glimmer of hope is the only reason I haven't yet deleted my account and gone running for the hills.

There may be a prize stallion out there for me after all...