Last night*, I received a very hurtful email from someone I used to - well we'll call it "date". He listed a multitude of my flaws, both real and imagined. I can easily ignore that. Trust me, I'm the first person to admit that I am a deeply flawed individual.
But there was one thing I can't ignore. Apparently he thought my only redeeming quality was the level of ability I had at a certain bedroom task. Basically, I am a zen master when it comes to fellatio.
And I agree, our relationship - if you can call it that - was mostly physical. I did, however, naively believe that we shared some level of friendship. To come at me with such vitriol was completely uncalled for and out of the clear fucking blue.
But I wonder if he's right.
Not that my only contribution to society are blow jobs. I mean, it's not like my tombstone is going to read "Here lies Baily. She sucked a mean dick".
It's just that I have no problems finding men who want me physically.
My problem lies in finding a man who wants all of me. My heart. My soul. My brain.
I want someone who wants to take me out to dinner damnit! I want someone who wants to watch TV with me. Someone to grow old with. Someone to love myself and my daughter fiercely.
And I fucking deserve it.
I want a boyfriend. Not a special naked friend. Not a not-so-special naked friend.
I obviously didn't find love in this asshole's arms. I found a temporary patch for my loneliness.
I guess I just don't understand why I can't seem to find someone who's even willing to try to love me. I wonder if anyone I've ever dated actually did love me at some point or another.
My first great love was in my freshman year of college. I did love him. We were very happy together, then all of a sudden - we weren't. We went our seperate ways. On occassion, we still talk - but the deep love I felt for him is no longer there. Of course a decade has a way of cooling even the hottest flame.
Up next was a horrific and abusive relationship. I know that particular boyfriend couldn't possibly know or understand what love means. Actually - he's a whole 'nuther fucking blog. So...
Then there was my rebound/post-college boyfriend. He might have actually loved me. He did ask me to marry him. But glaring differences in work ethic forced me to take a major step back and decide he was not the one I wanted to commit my life to.
Most recently was the man I felt would love me for a lifetime. I'm not exactly sure what led to our destruction. I think if he maybe loved me more than I loved him we'd still be together. And then where will I be? I'd still be unmarried and childless in New Orleans.
The man who wrote me that email offered me more than a shoulder when my last relationship busted up. I thought we had a friendship. I thought wrong.
His words shook me to my very core. I'm not writing this out of hatred or anger. He forced me to take a step back and re-examine the loves of my life. Hindsight being 20/20 and all... And I should thank him for that. Every man I've dated has turned out to be someone so completely wrong for me. Maybe if I actually learn from the past I can find someone to move with me towards the future.
*I actually received this email a few weeks ago, but have been arguing with myself as to whether or not I should actually hit the "publish" button.
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