Bare Bones

After my most recent blog, I was asked - by the little glimmer of hope in my life - if I ever had a date that bad. My reply? I've had a LIFETIME of them.


And not all of my horrific dates were first dates. Sometimes, in the course of a relationship things unexpectedly take a turn for the worse.


My most recent ex and I dated for 3 years. Most of our time together was happy. However in the dashboard of my mind, I saw some blinking yellow lights - indicating perhaps our time together needed some attention. I call these yellow lights because at a red light I stop. I shut down. I break up. I fight. I do anything but give the benefit of the doubt and keep things status quo.


My ex and I had been dating for about a year and a half. We were still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. He worked long hours during the week, and even some on the weekends , so when he told me he had a Saturday night to spend with me I was ecstatic!


But there's always a catch.


His boss had set up an evening out for some of his employees. The evening was to include dinner and then we were to all hop in a limo and go to the strip club. The evening, of course, included the employees' significant others.


I had never been to a strip club of any sort before. I was LIVID. And not about going to a strip club. I honestly pass no judgement.

Look fellas - ALL women want YOU to do the planning every once in awhile. MOST women wouldn't be happy if that plan included a strip club.


My options were to not see my (then) boyfriend for another two weeks. Or go do something I didn't want to with a crew I wasn't crazy about (for the most part - some of those guys are great people).


The choice I made, of course, was to go.


I was in a bad mood the whole day. The anger in my system stayed at a simmer as I got ready for an evening out on the town. When I arrived at his place, I told him my concerns and asked if he could get out of it. He claimed it would be rude to cancel. I told him I would just go home because I didn't want to go. He begged me to join him and promised me we wouldn't stay long and he wouldn't leave my side.


Dinner went okay. I used every acting skill at my disposal to seem like I was actually happy to be there. The crew made lots of fun of me for never going to strip club before. One of the wives assured me it was just good, clean fun and everything would be alright.

We went to one of the seedier clubs in Bossier City to start. We were able to get a table facing away from the stage and my (then) boyfriend gave me every bit of his attention. I finally loosened up a little. My heart started to melt a little. I was going to be ok.

Then, the group decided to change venues.

I had JUST gotten comfortable. I didn't want to leave. Everyone said that the next club was a lot nicer and I'd be okay there.

When we got to the next place, I found myself immediately abandoned at the table. My ex decided to mingle with everyone (men, women, clothed, definitely NOT clothed) working at the club while I got to sit alone and get angrier and angrier by the second. Finally he came up and apologized. I couldn't even look at him I was so mad.

But looking back I think I was mad at myself. I knew I had another option. I could have chosen not to go. Stood up for myself. I should have just put my fucking foot down.

Look - for those of you who know me you know I have no problems with strip clubs, strippers or nudity. The problem with the situation is I wanted to feel important in our relationship. The fact that he talked me into it - instead of validating my feelings - pissed me off. He promised me his attention and then just left me. It wouldn't be the last time he would leave me somewhere I was completely uncomfortable in our relationship.

Feeling coerced into an activity you don't enjoy is no way to be in a partnership. That's what made the date so bad - not the strippers, or the company, or the anger.
That's not to say I don't enjoy being occassionally pulled from my comfort zone by a partner. I like being challenged. But I expect being respected. Especially after "I love yous" have been exchanged.
The bare bones fact of the matter is - I just want someone to hold me dear. It doesn't mean my feelings will never get hurt, or everything will always be perfect. It just means I will always know I am loved by the man I choose to share my life with.