Wisdom from Mom

My mother has some unorthodox views on dating. Just wanted to share an actual conversation we had recently.

Use Me

I love love love this song. I wish I had more words today, but I just don't.

Sometimes I feel the kind of relationship Bill is talking about is all I'll ever have. Here's hoping I can find someone to make me say "baby, baby, baby, baby, when you love me I can't get enough..."

Don't get me wrong - I still hope I find the love of my life. But until then, it would be nice to bring a little old fashioned lust into my life.

I'll leave you today with the sexiest song I know.

Ladies and gentlemen - Mr. Bill Withers

Cutting the Fat

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I just don’t know. I honestly can’t pinpoint why men don’t want me.

Well I take that back. The men that say they want me only want pussy. The men who want to be my friend don’t want to date me. And the men that want an actual relationship with me live too far away to deem a real love affair.

I just wish somebody would tell me what is wrong with me so I can fix it and move on with my life.

So I went to my best friend. Emil is the most honest men I know. He told me he thought if I lost some more weight I might feel better about myself. And he is right.
So, I’m going to post this in a public forum. On my 30th birthday I’m going to have some tasteful “boudoir” pictures done. Think old school pin-up. No nudity, but plenty implied.

And I’m posting them here. On my blog. For the world to see.

So here's a countdown to (almost) naked pictures. Good thing I'm going to the gym tonight.

Making It

Since I’ve become a mother, so many people are asking me about my “baby daddy”. He’s not in the picture. He never will be in the picture. I’ve tried everything I can to get him in the picture – for her sake, not mine. And I’m done.

Then there is the whole “I didn’t know you were dating/engaged/married” thing. I wasn’t. I was fucking him. That is the plainest, simplest way I can put it.

I began spending time with my daughter’s father after my ex-boyfriend shattered my heart. He and I (the ex-boyfriend) had been dating for three years, when all of a sudden he yanked all of his love and affection from me. The end culminated in a 24 hour period of him not answering or returning my phone calls/texts. When our relationship fell apart I was re-introduced to someone I had known (not in the biblical sense) before.

I was so hurt; I wanted any kind of affection. Love and sex have always walked hand in hand for me. I was fucking him looking for love in a very wrong place. And yet I found it. Because of him, I met the true love of my life. And I named her Zoey Elizabeth.

But when you tell people that your child’s dad is not in the picture you get strange responses. Someone actually told me “I’m glad you’re making the best of it.” Making the best of it? She’s MY baby. We’re not some charity case. We ARE a family. And this is the way it was meant to be.

Do I want her to have a father someday? Yes. I do.

But the man I marry, the man I decide to spend OUR lives with will have to love both of us. Not just one or the other. We are a package deal.

Life might have thrown me a curve ball, but baby I hit it outta the fucking park.

I’m not looking for someone to rescue us. I don’t need a life preserver. I’m not drowning. We are thriving. She has so much love in her life and so do I. I do hope I will find the type of romantic love I hope for and the type of fatherly love she deserves.

And until then, you can bet your ass we’re “making it”.

In His Arms

Occassionally I write poetry. And even less often I actually let others read it. So you can consider this post a rarity indeed.

In His Arms

You ask me why I look at you like that
Like I’m looking through you
But I’m not
I’m looking into your soul
Seeing us intertwine
Becoming as one
Bursting with love
You see me as more than I am
A bright shining star
But all I am
All I have
And all I want to be
Is just your baby girl

Where's my Prince?

I was recently asked by a would-be suitor what I was looking for in a relationship. I’m looking for a relationship in a relationship. I want it all. Dinners out, cuddling on the couch, love making, deep conversations and chatting about absolutely nothing. I want everything! What I’m looking for is intimacy in every way. The problem is I’m not getting a well-rounded experience.

I might as well say I’m looking for a leprechaun riding a unicorn. I’m concerned I’m looking for a boyfriend who will always remain imaginary.

It’s not as though my concerns aren’t valid. Shit I’ve had so many dates and relationships fall completely fucking to pieces I’m writing a blog about it. Maybe I just don't get the fairy tale ending. Sometimes I think I’m just not meant to find love. Maybe that’s why I was given the gift of my little girl. Maybe that’s all the love the universe has to offer me.

But I want a husband. A life partner. A best friend. A good lover. A great father.

And I don’t think I’m wrong to want that.

Fellas, here’s a newsflash. Girls like sex too. Seriously. But we only like sex if we’re, ahem, getting what we need. We also need all the mushy stuff y’all hate. Really. We need to be listened to and appreciated. Oh and we know you might not be able to be everything we need all the time. But you can’t fake your way through both aspects and get away with it for very long.

I’ve had relationships that were awesome in the bedroom, but nowhere else. And others that hit all the high notes with one very notable exception. I need a man who can take my breath away in all aspects.

Maybe I am asking for too much. Shit.

But if I wanted to settle, I’d probably be married (or divorced) by now. Why can’t I have it all? Why can’t I strive for the best relationship I can have?

I am an eternal optimist. Even when I get knocked down, I stand back up, brush myself off, throw my shoulders back and keep struttin. Just lately I’m questioning why I haven’t been able to make something happen with someone special.

My favorite animated film ever is Snow White. It has a lot of special meaning for me. But most importantly at this time, is the song “Someday My Prince Will Come.” Just like the beautiful princess, I’m still waiting on that special kiss that will mark the start of the rest of my life.

And so my friends, I leave you with a song in my heart...

Talking Dirty on Friday Nights

Working like I did in the film and television industry, I was privy to a lot of conversations men generally keep amongst themselves. I started to write a journal about all of the things I learned from the men I worked with - one straight, one gay and one - well just very open.

I'm not sure if any of our conversations have helped me along the way. But I certainly did learn more than I probably wanted to know about how men's minds work. They let me take a peek and see the inner workings of their brains. So I'm going to share a few of those stories with you.

Only I've done these in xtranormal form. Never heard of xtranormal? Then go here. It's so much fun.

I only have one favor to ask of you. Please, please, please follow, comment etc. It helps keep me accountable. I write for me, but I write a hell of a lot more for others.

So, here's my first video.

Mad Libs!

So, I got an email today on OkCupid that read as a very dirty mad lib.

It was too good not to pass along. Friends I know you're reading this - because you tell me you are. So prove it! Leave your answers in the comments section below!

Hi there! ;) I'm _________ (proper name)

I would just love to ________ (verb) my ___________ (body part) between those ________(adjective) _________ (body part).

Then, I want you to _________(verb) my __________ (body part) until I just can't ______(verb) it.

After that, I'm going to __________ (verb) you until you ___________ (verb) my name.

And then, I'm thinking dinner and a movie?

Sincerely,
____________(proper name)


On the one hand, it's a really great ice-breaker. On the other hand - if you're gonna be a pervert (as my friend Jessica pointed out) - go big or go home!

Please, Mr. Postman

Note: This post doesn't bring the funny at all. If you want to see something lighter, read anything else on this site.

Last night*, I received a very hurtful email from someone I used to - well we'll call it "date". He listed a multitude of my flaws, both real and imagined. I can easily ignore that. Trust me, I'm the first person to admit that I am a deeply flawed individual.

But there was one thing I can't ignore. Apparently he thought my only redeeming quality was the level of ability I had at a certain bedroom task. Basically, I am a zen master when it comes to fellatio.

And I agree, our relationship - if you can call it that - was mostly physical. I did, however, naively believe that we shared some level of friendship. To come at me with such vitriol was completely uncalled for and out of the clear fucking blue.

But I wonder if he's right.

Not that my only contribution to society are blow jobs. I mean, it's not like my tombstone is going to read "Here lies Baily. She sucked a mean dick".

It's just that I have no problems finding men who want me physically.

My problem lies in finding a man who wants all of me. My heart. My soul. My brain.

I want someone who wants to take me out to dinner damnit! I want someone who wants to watch TV with me. Someone to grow old with. Someone to love myself and my daughter fiercely.

And I fucking deserve it.

I want a boyfriend. Not a special naked friend. Not a not-so-special naked friend.

I obviously didn't find love in this asshole's arms. I found a temporary patch for my loneliness.

I guess I just don't understand why I can't seem to find someone who's even willing to try to love me. I wonder if anyone I've ever dated actually did love me at some point or another.

My first great love was in my freshman year of college. I did love him. We were very happy together, then all of a sudden - we weren't. We went our seperate ways. On occassion, we still talk - but the deep love I felt for him is no longer there. Of course a decade has a way of cooling even the hottest flame.

Up next was a horrific and abusive relationship. I know that particular boyfriend couldn't possibly know or understand what love means. Actually - he's a whole 'nuther fucking blog. So...

Then there was my rebound/post-college boyfriend. He might have actually loved me. He did ask me to marry him. But glaring differences in work ethic forced me to take a major step back and decide he was not the one I wanted to commit my life to.

Most recently was the man I felt would love me for a lifetime. I'm not exactly sure what led to our destruction. I think if he maybe loved me more than I loved him we'd still be together. And then where will I be? I'd still be unmarried and childless in New Orleans.

The man who wrote me that email offered me more than a shoulder when my last relationship busted up. I thought we had a friendship. I thought wrong.

His words shook me to my very core. I'm not writing this out of hatred or anger. He forced me to take a step back and re-examine the loves of my life. Hindsight being 20/20 and all... And I should thank him for that. Every man I've dated has turned out to be someone so completely wrong for me. Maybe if I actually learn from the past I can find someone to move with me towards the future.

*I actually received this email a few weeks ago, but have been arguing with myself as to whether or not I should actually hit the "publish" button.

The Thrill of Hope

Confession alert! I'm totally in "like" right now.

I know. It's a horrible idea. Every single solitary time I give my heart to someone else, it gets crushed. But this time it's different.

I know what you're thinking. It's ALWAYS different this time.

But I can see the signs. I know my heart is about to leave my body and belong to someone else. If even for a short while, I'm hopeful I will take that last, confident step off the cliff called love and begin the free fall.

I'm giddy. Every time my phone lights up - if it's a text or call from him my face lights up as well. Our conversations are easy and interesting. I find myself immensely attracted to him.

And we haven't even met yet.

Here comes the catch.

I must have done something awful in a past life. I probably kicked puppies for fun. I'm not sure what it was - but I'm sure the Universe is conspiring against my true and complete happiness. The little glimmer of hope who is single and single-handedly restoring my faith in men? He lives 5 hours away.

A five hour drive isn't insurmountable. Not even with gas prices at more than $3 per gallon.

I've always been a believer! Love can move mountains! All you need is love! Love is a many splendored thing!

And then, somewhere along the way, my heart gets shattered.

Make no mistake - he's treated me with the utmost care and respect. We BOTH agree the astounding list of commonalities we share is crazy. We can go from having an honest, profound conversation to flirting our asses off in three seconds flat. We laugh with each other. Besides being with my daughter, talking to him is the highlight of my day. Since he works third shift he's been a life-saver - texting with me during middle of the night feedings just to keep Zoey and I company. There's also no doubt in my mind that if we were to begin a relationship, he would love my baby girl like his very own.

Then I stop. I ask myself. Could he be the one? Could he be one of the ones?

My answer? Maybe. Probably. Gosh I hope so.

We've made a plan to meet up. He's coming to me - which is something Shreveport men won't do - and that drive is only about 45 minutes. The fact that he's willing to drive to meet me is a major plus...and a bit of a turn-on. Sometimes I feel like I've known him forever. I find myself counting down the days until I actually get to see him face-to-face.

The way I see it? There are exactly two ways our meeting can end. It can end as quickly as our whirlwind romance began. I would be shattered again.

Or, our meeting can end as a beginning. Of course, friends, I'd be lying if I told you I was pessimisstic about this initial encounter. This is me, the hopeless and somewhat hapless romantic talking!

Sure, all this build-up could make for a huge let-down.

But my money's on it's the start of something big.

And in my eternal optimism, I have to say - win or lose - the thrill of hope I get from talking to him is totally worth any pain I might have to endure down the line.

Bare Bones

After my most recent blog, I was asked - by the little glimmer of hope in my life - if I ever had a date that bad. My reply? I've had a LIFETIME of them.


And not all of my horrific dates were first dates. Sometimes, in the course of a relationship things unexpectedly take a turn for the worse.


My most recent ex and I dated for 3 years. Most of our time together was happy. However in the dashboard of my mind, I saw some blinking yellow lights - indicating perhaps our time together needed some attention. I call these yellow lights because at a red light I stop. I shut down. I break up. I fight. I do anything but give the benefit of the doubt and keep things status quo.


My ex and I had been dating for about a year and a half. We were still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. He worked long hours during the week, and even some on the weekends , so when he told me he had a Saturday night to spend with me I was ecstatic!


But there's always a catch.


His boss had set up an evening out for some of his employees. The evening was to include dinner and then we were to all hop in a limo and go to the strip club. The evening, of course, included the employees' significant others.


I had never been to a strip club of any sort before. I was LIVID. And not about going to a strip club. I honestly pass no judgement.

Look fellas - ALL women want YOU to do the planning every once in awhile. MOST women wouldn't be happy if that plan included a strip club.


My options were to not see my (then) boyfriend for another two weeks. Or go do something I didn't want to with a crew I wasn't crazy about (for the most part - some of those guys are great people).


The choice I made, of course, was to go.


I was in a bad mood the whole day. The anger in my system stayed at a simmer as I got ready for an evening out on the town. When I arrived at his place, I told him my concerns and asked if he could get out of it. He claimed it would be rude to cancel. I told him I would just go home because I didn't want to go. He begged me to join him and promised me we wouldn't stay long and he wouldn't leave my side.


Dinner went okay. I used every acting skill at my disposal to seem like I was actually happy to be there. The crew made lots of fun of me for never going to strip club before. One of the wives assured me it was just good, clean fun and everything would be alright.

We went to one of the seedier clubs in Bossier City to start. We were able to get a table facing away from the stage and my (then) boyfriend gave me every bit of his attention. I finally loosened up a little. My heart started to melt a little. I was going to be ok.

Then, the group decided to change venues.

I had JUST gotten comfortable. I didn't want to leave. Everyone said that the next club was a lot nicer and I'd be okay there.

When we got to the next place, I found myself immediately abandoned at the table. My ex decided to mingle with everyone (men, women, clothed, definitely NOT clothed) working at the club while I got to sit alone and get angrier and angrier by the second. Finally he came up and apologized. I couldn't even look at him I was so mad.

But looking back I think I was mad at myself. I knew I had another option. I could have chosen not to go. Stood up for myself. I should have just put my fucking foot down.

Look - for those of you who know me you know I have no problems with strip clubs, strippers or nudity. The problem with the situation is I wanted to feel important in our relationship. The fact that he talked me into it - instead of validating my feelings - pissed me off. He promised me his attention and then just left me. It wouldn't be the last time he would leave me somewhere I was completely uncomfortable in our relationship.

Feeling coerced into an activity you don't enjoy is no way to be in a partnership. That's what made the date so bad - not the strippers, or the company, or the anger.
That's not to say I don't enjoy being occassionally pulled from my comfort zone by a partner. I like being challenged. But I expect being respected. Especially after "I love yous" have been exchanged.
The bare bones fact of the matter is - I just want someone to hold me dear. It doesn't mean my feelings will never get hurt, or everything will always be perfect. It just means I will always know I am loved by the man I choose to share my life with.

Hot to Trot

Ahhh, the first date. Is there anything more terrifying and electrifying? What's better than getting all dressed up with the hope that this time it won't completely suck?

Of course there are the wonderful first dates. The first dates that mark the beginning of something. The first dates where I don't drop any food on my shirt and somehow remain a lady for the duration of the evening.

And then there are the bad first dates. The first dates that go down in history as the ONLY date. Some are easily forgettable. Some are etched into your memory for a lifetime. Some simply NEED to be shared.

Let me set the scene:

It was a cool, crisp October evening a few years ago. A gentleman I met through work invited me out to dinner at one of my favorite Chinese restaurants. I decided I would meet him there.

The date started innocently enough. He was punctual, well-dressed and smelled nice. Conversation flowed pretty easily. I decided to order a spicy dish.

When our food arrived, he questioned me about picking out the little red peppers and putting them aside. I explained to him that while I like the flavor and added spice they provide - I don't want to set my mouth completely ablaze. Well, not on a first date anyway!

He then asks me to dare him to eat one. That should have been my first clue to get up and leave. After repeatedly telling him no - he did anyway.

Unfortunately for him, it wasn't the pepper that did him in. Although it was hot enough for him to down his entire glass of water - and mine too. I guess he didn't notice the copious amount of mushrooms in my dinner. Poor thing was allergic. He wound up getting sick all over the table, myself, himself, and a horrified lady at the next booth. Thank goodness he made it to the restroom before the secondary wave of explosive diarrhea set in.

Of course I never went out with him again. The signs that it was all wrong were so obvious.

Was it fate? Was it his own doing? Mine for ordering the dish? I'll never know.

I'm sure some disastrous first dates lead to meaningful relationships. But not mine. Then again, my relationships are disastrous enough. It might be prudent for me to give second chances. After all, if the first date is that bad - surely there's hope for the long run!

No Prize Ponies

A good man is hard to find. To quote my childhood (and current) best friend "You're a prize pony mulling about in a pig pen." The pig pen is my home town. Population 25,000.

The men here can be classified into three basic groups: dateable, redneck, and aw hell naw! (Please note married men looking to step out on their wives are located in the aw hell naw category.)

The problem is, in a town of 25,000 - the dateable men are a much smaller portion of the population than the other two. So, I had to expand my search from Saturday nights at the local bar. (Yes. Bar. As in the only one.) I went to the Internets. And where does any fiscally responsible person go to find love online? OkCupid. That's where.

Even though OKC is a free service, there is still a price to pay. It makes it a hell of a lot harder to weed out the crazies, hornies and totally broke-ys.

For the fellas out there reading, lemme break this shit down for you:

1. I do NOT want a picture of your penis before I've met you in real life.

2. If you get my number and take the opportunity to text me all the dirty things you're going to do to me - that will be the dirtiest thing you will have EVER done to me.

3. If your first message is "heyyy" I will NOT respond.

4. If your first message to me mentions my boobs (magnificent as they are) I will NOT respond.

5. If you have only three teeth and/or a mullet - I will NOT respond.

6. I don't mind a little kink - but good Lord PLEASE don't email asking for additional pictures of various body parts.

[Note: I had a guy ask me for a picture of my belly when I was pregnant and another ask for a picture of my feet - neither one of those are a favorite fetish of mine. Ewwww!]

7. I don't want to go out "as a family" on a first date.

8. I don't want to meet your children (even for a minute or two) on a first date. A first date is about getting to know you and if that's the only thing you've got going - guess what? I also have reproduced. But I'm more than just a mommy.

9. I don't want you to meet my daughter for six months. Period.

10. I don't want to see a picture of your penis immediately after our first date.

But the online thing hasn't been a complete waste of time. There's a little glimmer of hope out there on the horizon. And that little glimmer of hope is the only reason I haven't yet deleted my account and gone running for the hills.

There may be a prize stallion out there for me after all...

Baby on Board

So - a lot has changed in the last few months since I've posted. I'm now a single mom. I'd like to think I'm a milf - but baby bumps don't magically disappear on the due date.



Motherhood has definitely changed the way I think about my body. It's been reborn. My stomach is not just a bone of contention that used to be flat and is no longer - it is the part of my body that carried a brand new life. My breasts are the source of my daughter's food. My arms are a comfort my baby girl when she's upset.



Motherhood has also changed the way I date. Every decision I make now involves my daughter. If I want to go out - I have to get a sitter. If I want a relationship with someone, I'd better damn well know he will treat my baby like his own. And that we will both be loved fiercely. If I want to have sex with someone, I'll have to make sure I'm not on antibiotics. (Oops.)



Sometimes I wonder if I'll be a single mom forever. I always wondered if I'd ever find love. Hell I wonder if any man I ever loved truly loved me back. Now the stakes are so much higher. I need a partner now more than ever. And don't get me wrong - as a product of a single mom myself - I know I can provide the kind of life that will help my daughter grow into a strong, independent woman. But I want love. A partnership. Someone to help me carry my load in life.

I think that's all anyone can ask. Is to have someone that's there for them always. Maybe I'll find that person - but I'm sure there will be more bumps along the way - as long as there are no more baby bumps until that special person is found!