My First Love

Ahh, my sweet first love.

He texted me out of the clear blue today. He wants to see me. Unfortunately, he wants to see all of me. I'm not so sure I can do that.

The problem is, when we were dating, more than a decade ago now, I was madly in love with him. But I'm not sure if he was as in love with me. I'm not even completely sure he loved me at all.

We used to have a code for when I was on my cycle. He said I was broken. We didn't see each other except for times when we could make love. I was definitely making love to him. And I'm pretty sure he was just fucking me.

Don't get me wrong - he was very gentle. The best first love a girl could ask for really. He took the time to make me comfortable - among other things. I just wonder if he truly loved me. Because there is a large part of me that will always love him deeply.

Just seeing his name on my phone screen sends chills down my spine and releases butterflies in my stomach.

We had such a torrid love affair. Before we consummated our love, we'd date. We'd lose touch, and then the Universe would somehow bring us back together again. We'd run into each other randomly somewhere. After we finally decided to really be together - after that long-awaited first kiss outside my dorm room door, I thought it was all over. I thought I would be with him forever.

Then, one day he told me he was moving to Austin. I cried for weeks. We tried to date again once he returned, but the damage was done.

I'd love to see him again. There is a part of me that would love to be his again - even if just for one night.

But I can't. I don't think I could see his face without falling in love all over again. And even I'm not as big a glutton for punishment as you might think.

So, I can't see him. Not today. I'm broken. And it will take a lot more than one night of bliss to make me whole again.