Can it Be?

Whoa! I actually got a well written, respectful message from an online dating service.

Well hot damn!

So this gentleman and I have progressed from emails to texts. And thus far, not one lewd picture or clumsy attempt at sexting.

Holy appropriate conversation Batman!

Can it be? Did I actually find a semi-normal guy out there who actually wants to take me on a real date? Usually when things like this seem too good to be true, they are. And if his pictures are to be believed, he has all of his teeth and a normal haircut. No mullets in sight.

Seven. Seven. Seven. Jackpot!



Ladies and gentlemen, this could be a winner! Or it could be a disaster. Or a new friend.

Only time will tell.

Bad Blind Date

So this weekend was a little crazy.


I had a blind date. Apparently, he thought I was actually blind because his pictures were from 100 lbs ago, and he was not actually in the lucrative job he claimed - he was planning to go to school for said lucrative job in the near future (read: unemployed).


I decided to give him a chance, because after all, I did go through the trouble of finding a sitter and actually getting out of the house. That and I really didn't have anything else going on. Sad, but true.


The entire conversation circled around sex. If I tried to steer it away - he somehow brought it back. And honestly, some of his suggestions were pretty damn good. I mean, I seem to remember a time when I enjoyed doing the things he was talking about. There were just no sparks there. Not for me at least.

He continues to text me about the things he'd like to do to me. As a matter of fact, just three seconds ago I received "I'm so horney for you Bailey." There are two major things wrong with that text. He spelled "horney" and my name wrong. Don't know which is the bigger turn-off.

I'm baffled by the recent rash of men who have been so blunt about just wanting to have sex with me. I was in a relationship for a long time, and am still fairly new to the dating scene, but have things really changed this much? Whatever happened to getting to know someone before you jumped right into bed with them? What happened to going out on actual dates - where you do some sort of activity (dinner/movie/concert/etc) before assuming you'd actually want to have sex with a person?

I'm very honest on my dating profile about not looking for a special naked friend. I'm an attractive girl, if I just wanted to get laid, I could. But I don't want that. I want to be loved, cherished, needed and respected. Of course I want all of that from a man who knows how to *ahem* treat me right.

A note about sexting. I'm all for it - just make sure the person on the receiving end actually wants dirty notes/pictures/etc. There's nothing more embarrassing than recieving a graphic photo at an inopportune time. Also, please use proper spelling. I don't want to have to guess if you're actually trying to be graphic or your iPhone is dirty and autocorrecting.

This guy was coming on so strong, I decided to call it an early night. I hate being deceitful, but I also hate being unkind. So I did the only thing I could think of - I faked a baby emergency. I feel awful about it, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell him that I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever have sex with him. And since we couldn't seem to talk about anything else - I can assure you there won't be a second date.

Other than that, I had an amazing weekend. I went to see one of my favorite bands play with a very good friend. We danced our butts off and had some great laughs. As always, we had a blast together. Then Easter Sunday was all about spending time with God and family.

I keep praying that God will lead me to the man He has planned for me. But until then, I'll keep the faith that there is someone out there for me who's interested in the whole package.

Is it the Weekend Yet?

Busy weekend ahead! Family festivities, a Dirtfoot show with a good friend, and a blind date. Eek!

The blind date is tonight and I couldn't be more nervous. I've had so many crash and burn - so if this thing actually goes off without a hitch I'll be pleasantly surprised. We've been talking/texting so I'm sure everything will go fine. But sometimes, even if conversation is good, there's no spark to hold your interest. I hope that I can at least make a new friend out of the deal.

Stay tuned. Monday will bring a whole lotta new to the blog.

Happy Easter everyone. Have a wonderful weekend.

Damn Boys

Since when did Damn Girl become a compliment?

As you know, I'm doing the online dating thing right now. I got a message last night.

"Damn girl. You fine. Holla at me 903-xxx-xxxx"

That's just unacceptable. I can assure you, he didn't read anything on my profile. He saw my pictures and sent me the above message.

I posted this to my facebook page and one of my friends had a very good point. There's no more courting in the world.

I want a man who will take charge. For the first date, I want him to make plans. Yes, I'm looking for a partner but I'm still an old fashioned girl at heart. I want a man to be able to take charge when need be. It's an immediate turn off to me if I have to initiate every single plan made. Yes, I do love to cuddle on the couch while watching tv, but sometimes it's nice to have other plans made for you.

Is a little romance just not in the cards for me? Do you know I've never gotten flowers? I don't need 2 dozen long stemmed red roses. A 5 dollar bouquet from the grocery store would absolutely make my heart melt and not to mention, make my clothes fall off faster than a fifth of tequila.

Fellas, in the world of romance grand gestures aren't needed. It's truly the little things. I want to be courted. I want someone to work to gain my heart, my trust, my love and my body. I want someone who actually thinks I'm worth taking the time to woo.

A Night at the Opera

I had a wonderful and jam-packed weekend. Saturday night I went to the opera. My friend (and prom date from over a decade ago) Ricky was in the chorus, and got me a ticket. To my surprise it was 5th row center. The performances were amazing and the sets awe-inspiring.

The opera was about a pair of doomed lovers. Of course you can't imagine why this might speak to me.

I went unescorted and I learned something. I enjoy my own company. It would have been wonderful to have someone to share in the experience with me, but I'm finally okay with being alone.

Before my last serious relationship, I did alot of things all by myself. I went to concerts, plays, restaurants and even the occasional movie alone. If I really wanted to do something, and had no one to go with me, I'd go anyway.

When my ex came along, I leaned upon him as my constant date. We didn't always do the things I wanted to, but there was always someone with me. How lame is that?

This is part of getting back a piece of myself that was lost. I love a live performance. Comedy clubs, plays, music, opera, ballet, even my niece's dance and piano recitals draw me in like nothing else can. I've sat on the front row of a black box theater and silenty cried my eyes out. I've danced like no one was watching at a concert. And once again, this weekend, I laughed and cried along with the audience at the opera. There's something strangely intimate about sharing art with a room full of strangers. Watching other artists puts stars in my eyes. It takes me back to being a child sitting with mom and dad and thinking someday I'm gonna be up there on that stage. And I have been blessed enough to have graced a few stages in my past. Looking forward I hope to grace a few more. I have a lot of performances left in me. Both as a participant and patron.

A friend suggested that I make a list of qualities I'm looking for in a mate. Appreciation of the arts ranks quite high on that list.

Right now I'm still getting to know myself again. As I learn more about what is non-negotiable for me I'll add more items to that list.

And to have a partner who will not only go to the opera, but won't have to be dragged there kicking and screaming is definitely a must for me.

A True Love

God slapped me in the face this weekend. I've been looking for love in the wrong places, searching for something that doesn't exist. See, I've been trying to replace Godly love with an earthly love. And it just ain't working.

Friday night, I went to see The Sacrifice at my friend's church. It was amazing, and after the play I realized the completeness of God's love for me. He doesn't care that I'm not perfect. And the right man for me is one He will put in my life. I've been looking for a man that will complete me, but I'm already made whole through God's love for me. I had forgotten that. I had been sailing my own ship and not letting the Lord steer me through the tough waters I faced.

I don't talk about my faith much. Probably because I share an office with a complete nut case who will tell anyone who will listen the end is coming soon. (Beware false prophets friends.)

I have been praying for God to put the right man in my life for the last three weeks or so. I do love someone dearly. He tells me he doesn't see me in that light, but his actions tell me another story altogether. I'm confused and confounded by that man. But I still love him. He hurt me badly and I forgave him. That night as I watched the greatest love story ever told unfold around me, tears streamed down my face. Then a still, quiet voice told me not to give up. One day the love I have to give will be returned. And I'm not sure who He has in mind for me but I have faith He has a plan.

And we all know my plan sure isn't working.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

I have to accept God's love first, and let him give me a partner who loves Him too. For those of you who pray, please pray that God will continue to guide me and I will continue to let Him.

Cheaters Never Prosper

Okay - so I heard back from the cutie patootie from the tire store today. He still has a girlfriend so I'm curious as to why he keeps sweating me for a lunch date. I believe he has no intentions of leaving his girlfriend but is maybe looking for something on the side.

I so don't want to be that girl. Is it too much to ask to find a man who loves and respects me? Apparently I'm just not able to find that man.

Don't get me wrong, the dude from the tire store is a nice guy and I'd like to be his friend, but that's where it will have to stay. I'm not going to knowingly be someone's mistress. That's not who I am or how I was raised.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I'm not going to find the man that's right with me until I'M right with me. There are many things in my life I could change. I'm currently thinking about going back to school, and changing jobs. I really want to get back into my own place and a new job will help me get there. Also, I'm searching for a church home. Oh, and doing the whole gym thing.

Once I'm the Baily I want to be, I'll find the man who's just as happy with me as I am. That's not to say I don't love myself. I do. But once I get to where I want to be I'll be much better off.

I'm ready to give someone my all. But maybe they can sense that I can be more. I'm working hard to becoming a better person. And when I reach my goals, nothing will be able to hold me back. I have to keep my hopes up. I'm sure there are more heart breaks headed my way. But I'm damn sure not going to break some other poor girl's heart and get nothing out of the deal. No dice friends. No dice.

I will find a man that loves me and respects me. I'm worthy of that. But a man who wants less than my all (or only wants my ass) is not worthy of me.

Out of the Blue

Confession alert! I have a little crush on my mechanic. He's cute and personable and funny. And I was sure he wasn't interested in me at all. In fact, months ago while waiting on an oil change, he told me he had a girlfriend. I didn't ask, it just came up in conversation. So, I dismissed it and just moved on. I saw him recently at my store and we talked while he was waiting. This was maybe two or three weeks ago. And I may or may not go to the tire store to get oil changes because he might be there. Whatevs.

Today he calls me up at work out of the clear blue to see if I wanted to join him for lunch. Unfortunately I couldn't. I had just gotten back from my break. I was taken aback to say the least, but the call itself did put a little extra pep in my step.

So...did he just ask me out? Would lunch be considered a "date" date? Or is it just two friends eating together at the same place and at the same time? And since we've never done anything together socially before why are we setting a new precedent?

Fellas here's a clue. I have NO FUCKING IDEA if you like me or not. I probably would have had much more success in the mating rituals somewhere in the caveman era. Subtilety does not work with me. In order for me to figure out if a guy is flirting with me or not, I almost literally need to be hit upside the head.

I have always had a hard time decyphering whether or not a guy is romantically interested in me. I'm a great flirt, but most of the time I believe it's harmless and he doesn't really mean it. My first love had to kiss me in order for me to realize he actually liked me as a girlfriend. I honestly didn't have a clue where I stood with him until he made the first move.

And I really like it when the guy makes the first move. Don't get me wrong, I have no problems asking a guy out. But with my string of bad luck, I've decided to let the man lead. This doesn't always work though. The object of my affection might be as clueless as I am. A nd letting the man lead doesn't always work out well. Last week my friend asked me to be his girlfriend and broke up with me the next day. I ought to get a trophy for breaking a land speed record on that deal. No worries though, we're still good friends.

But is a lunch date an actual date anyway? Isn't that generally the kiss of death? Lunch is generally reserved for family, co-workers and long time boyfriends. Not a first date. Right?

Since I didn't go, I guess I'll never know. And since I'm a complete dumbass and didn't ask for his cell number I guess I really won't know. Unless he calls me again. Or I rack up the 1,000 miles necessary for me to get my oil changed without looking like a complete crazy stalker.

Do I make a move? Do I wait it out? Do I put it to the back of my mind and not obsess over it?

Maybe the answer is to wait. But Tom Petty got this right kids. The waiting is the hardest part.

My First Love

Ahh, my sweet first love.

He texted me out of the clear blue today. He wants to see me. Unfortunately, he wants to see all of me. I'm not so sure I can do that.

The problem is, when we were dating, more than a decade ago now, I was madly in love with him. But I'm not sure if he was as in love with me. I'm not even completely sure he loved me at all.

We used to have a code for when I was on my cycle. He said I was broken. We didn't see each other except for times when we could make love. I was definitely making love to him. And I'm pretty sure he was just fucking me.

Don't get me wrong - he was very gentle. The best first love a girl could ask for really. He took the time to make me comfortable - among other things. I just wonder if he truly loved me. Because there is a large part of me that will always love him deeply.

Just seeing his name on my phone screen sends chills down my spine and releases butterflies in my stomach.

We had such a torrid love affair. Before we consummated our love, we'd date. We'd lose touch, and then the Universe would somehow bring us back together again. We'd run into each other randomly somewhere. After we finally decided to really be together - after that long-awaited first kiss outside my dorm room door, I thought it was all over. I thought I would be with him forever.

Then, one day he told me he was moving to Austin. I cried for weeks. We tried to date again once he returned, but the damage was done.

I'd love to see him again. There is a part of me that would love to be his again - even if just for one night.

But I can't. I don't think I could see his face without falling in love all over again. And even I'm not as big a glutton for punishment as you might think.

So, I can't see him. Not today. I'm broken. And it will take a lot more than one night of bliss to make me whole again.

Lost and Found

Ok baby brush it off. Time to get back up and keep going. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Time to get back to Baily.

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I like to work out - so I'm going again 5 days a week. I like church - so I'm actively seeking a church home. I live to make films - so I'm grabbing every opportunity that comes my way. I love being a mom - so I'm going to hold my baby a little bit closer every night.

I'm going to listen to Hendrix, the Kinks and ZZ Top. Loudly. I'm going to quote Star Wars, and be the smartest person most people know. I'm going to count my blessings. I'm tired of fucking hiding. So I'm going to stop that shit right now.

See, I went into hiding because I got caught with my pants down. Being a single mom ain't easy. And I'm not looking for a baby daddy. Fuck that. I'm looking for a partner. Whoever is standing at the finish line when my journey ends had better love me. Don't get me wrong, my daughter and I are a package deal. But he'd better love both of us unconditionally.

He'd better love that I snort when I really laugh. Going to see live bands is in my very DNA. He'd better be able to go and enjoy himself. I yell at the TV...during football games and Jeopardy. I read for fun. I don't stop myself if I'm moved to tears by art. I have been known to completely geek out about movies. I have kept a journal every day of my life since my seventh birthday. Those are private. I dance when I clean house - usually to Jimmy Buffett. I'm a true and loyal friend. I mess with my hair - a lot. I am a good cook - but I'm even better at making a mess in the kitchen. I love funk music and seeing plays in the park. I need to create, write, edit, make movies like people need to breathe. I have a dark sense of humor and love a good slasher film.

I need to be me again. Unapologetically me. I need to be the person my friends know and love. Not some fake representation of myself.

I lost my joy somewhere - but I'm slowly getting it back.

And from this moment forward - I'm never going to lose Baily again.

Consolation Prize

Remember the little street fairs that would roll through town with the horribly unsafe rides and the rigged games? Sure, you always tried to win the big pink teddy bear, but somehow wound up with a tiny stuffed monkey instead. Well guess who’s the tiny stuffed monkey?

That’s me. I’m just a consolation prize. I am the toy that no one wants – but keeps anyway to play with a few times and then throw away. That’s me.
I have been asked to be a mistress. I’ve been asked to be the girl on the side. Friends with benefits? Sure, that too.

But I don’t want any of that.

I just want to be cherished. Is that too much to ask? Am I doomed to be the consolation prize the rest of my life?

When I was finally asked to be a girlfriend, he confessed to me that he let his sexual urges get the better of him. You see, he didn’t really want me, he wanted my body. It was nice of him not to sleep with me though.

A two year pattern is no longer a series of unfortunate coincidences. I think somewhere around the two year mark it becomes fact. And the fact of the matter is my sparkling personality doesn’t mean shit.

Bittersweet

Without the bitter, you don't appreciate the sweet.

Have you ever met someone and had those immediate sparks? The kind that turns your tummy to mush and makes your heart race? The thought of a new romantic interest, with it's promise of happiness and perhaps, love is almost addictive. They call it puppy love. Who can resist? Smiles from across the room, flirty kisses, holding hands - all the good stuff you get to do before the real work of a relationship starts.

Lately I haven't even had a chance to stay with someone long enough for the real work to start. The sweetness begins with a bang and then it's all over.

I think I may have a Romeo and Juliet complex. Are all my lovers doomed to be of the star-crossed variety?

Sometimes I feel like I'm perpetually stuck in Casablanca. The film, not the city. I'm Ilsa and I only have a Rick - no Victor in sight.

But could I settle for a Victor? A good man, whom I love dearly? Or will I always be chasing after a Bogey? The man who is wrong for me in so many ways, but just feels so right?

Whether it's distance, differing levels of attraction, or just plain wrong - I seem to only be able to find men who will at some point or another, still leave me lonely.

But ah, that first date is sweet isn't it? It's all about that first kiss. That moment when someone sees the real you for the first time. The first glimmer of hope that you've finally found someone. That's why I keep going.

I'm tired of the bitter. The parting is such sweet sorrow. The "'tis better to have loved and lost...".

I want a happy ending. My life is no fairy tale - I know. And I realize that even a strong relationship takes work. I guess I'm just ready for the work to begin.

Will my heart ever heal itself so much that the pieces of duct tape holding it together disappears? Probably not.

I pray my trials and tribulations today will help pave the way to a brighter future tomorrow.

I have no doubts that every man I've ever given my heart has helped to shape me. Mold me into a better person.

Because if I didn't still believe that the sweet was out there for me, I could become bitter.

So, to the loves I've lost, and the ones I haven't yet met - "Here's looking at you, kid."