This past weekend, my two gay boyfriends rescued me from a Saturday evening at home. We went to the local bar and had an absolute blast - and some of the best margaritas in Texas.
Invariably our conversation turned to sex. Namely my lack of a sex life and what I was doing to help myself along.
Years ago, they accompanied me to buy my one and only bedroom toy.
I've used it maybe twice in my life.
They wanted to know why.
It's LOUD! The thing sounds like a damn lawnmower. And it honestly doesn't get me where I wanna go any faster than the um low tech way I normally employ.
I have lots of friends who swear by their toys, but I just don't get it.
I don't want a toy anyway. I want a man. But - here's the catch - I want a man who cares about me.
I'm not looking for a boy toy or a bedroom toy. I'm looking for something real.
And until I find exactly what I'm looking for, you can keep your plastic pleasure tools. I'm a self sufficient kinda gal.
Yeah LOAD toys are so not good. Could you imagine one of your parents knocking on your bedroom door because they can hear it down the hall. EMBARRASSING!!!! I would say self sufficient is the way to go. Some of those toys look kinda scary anyways.
ReplyDeletelol I just started reading ur blog but I love it..ur so funny and well just plain blunt...but I love how u just speak ur mind...BTW there are some decent toys out there that aren't loud(my hubby works ALOT)lol although u know ur hubby is working too much and ur using it too much when ur kids start asking what happened to the batteries outta their remotes..hahaha
ReplyDeleteYou go girl LOL. God my ex wife have this poor sounding thing that she wore the paint off of. But hey, you hang in there. When you have to wait and struggle and hurt before that someone comes along then you know its gonna be worth it. That's what I tell myself anyway.
ReplyDelete@Jenn - I would be beyond mortified if my parents heard.
ReplyDelete@Crystal - thank you for reading!
@x-angel1 - OMG - a new commenter of the male persuasion that I don't know.
Well - hello there. :D
you need update your toy :D
ReplyDeleteHahaha! Thanks Jamey.
ReplyDeleteumm xangel....her toy was painted??? did u crave it outta wood for her or sumthing...lol j/s
ReplyDeleteLOL!!! I was so nervous when I moved back into my parents house after college, I threw my toy away...I was too scared they would hear it!
ReplyDeleteLMAO! well im a toy kinda gal!! its safe sex!! i know where its been!! it doesnt cheat on me or beat me and stfu when i want it to! lol....i like a real man too! hey toys+men= a great time! lol
ReplyDeleteIt was kind of a metallic kind of blue but the color had been worn smooth off this thing. Closer inspection. Revealed a clutch and a Cummings diesel engine. Whenever she fired this bad boy up you could hear the sounds of the gnashing gears chewing against themselves. It would knock out my satellite tv. It sounded like someone took a tiny robot Satan and dropped him in a garbage disposal. And I was afraid to touch this this thing. I have used paint thinner that didn't work this well. But I digress, Bailey you are a super cool girl. Don't let pretentious, self important, ignorant bags o' deuche cause you to second guess yourself. The brilliance of your human spirit can sear through all 32 flavors of bullshit. Don't let the world change you, you get out there and change the world. To thine own self be true. If you gotta play a little disk jokey from time to time so be it. Let your freak flag fly! You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find that prince. Until then, keep those fingers limber but be careful not to catch a cramp.
ReplyDeleteSeriously dude who are you??? This is killing me. You're funnier than I am and this is my blog!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words man.
It has often been my life experience that kind words are twice as sweet from the lips of strangers. And your welcome ;-)
ReplyDeleteAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously you must know me and are just screwing with me. Anyone who knows me knows there's nothing that irks me more than a mystery I can't solve.
;-)
ReplyDelete