My mother is an amazing source of advice. Unsolicited and unwanted advice. But sometimes she really comes up with some gems.
She asked me the other day if I really thought I could find love online.
Well where the hell else should I look?
I don't think I'll find my soul mate in some bar. I'm out of academia for the time being so no boys to pick up from school. Work? We'll just settle that with a fuck no. And it seems the activities I enjoy are also well-liked by gay men. Que sera.
So it's online or recycle. Now I'm all for doing the planet some good, but I'm not sure if recycling old flames counts.
With that said, I took a HUGE step towards healing this weekend. A phoenix from my past arose from the ashes. And just in time too.
I was under the impression that none of my former boyfriends had ever really loved me. For once, I can admit that I was wrong. And thank goodness. To feel that none of the men I gave my heart (and not to mention body) to gave a rip about me is hard on the ol' self-esteem.
I've been falling all over the fucking place. In my quest for true love I kept hitting brick wall after brick wall. I thought I was destined to stay in a labyrinthine jail forever. This weekend, I just removed a stumbling block. A door opened. A path to getting my groove back was revealed. Now maybe I can move forward again.
I'm not gonna lie. If I could find a way to keep the love I lost and found again I would. I'm just not sure there's a way. But most phoenixes (phoeni?) What the hell is the plural of phoenix anyway? Anyway, they're all destined to die again. Could I survive another death, even if I knew it could be revived?
Or is that love put back in my life for a reason?
I guess time is the only thing that will tell. But until I get a committment, I'm not going to sit in my room and pine for what once was and could be again.
I'm going to go out. I'm going to stumble some more. And hope like hell the next time I let myself fall, there will be someone worthy there to catch me.
Mom's right, after all. I don't know if I can find love on the world wide web. I just know I won't find it unless I look.
Alas we meet again. The prospect of an old flame raises lots of questions. But the fact is people learn a lot on this old road called life. It doesn't mean everyone applies that knowledge but still.. There's a great chance that an old flame has had time to look back and reflect on choices made and learn valuable lessons. Sometimes second chances are just what people need. That's not to say its a sure thing by any means. But the point is that your looking. Whether its on line, old flames or wherever...doesn't matter. Weird things happen in life. People meet the love of their life in bars sometimes, for others its the super market. A lot of couples originally could not stand each other. Its the moments that can make the difference. You never know just how powerful one single moment can be. Love comes through risk...never be afraid.
ReplyDeleteSeriously x-angel1, who are you? Please let me know. It's honestly driving me crazy. Anyway, I'm glad you're reading and commenting on the blog. Thank you for your feedback.
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