Normally, I begin my mornings with joy. I woke up this morning with such a sorrow in the pit of my stomach. What happens when you find someone but there are so many obstacles to overcome?
Finding someone is hard enough. Sometimes I think I might as well be searching for a needle in a haystack. I might never actually see it, but I keep getting poked. I've been told that I will find someone when I'm not looking. I think if I'm not looking, I'm just out there floating. I'm spinning my wheels - standing on the gas but not getting anywhere.
I've been searching for someone geographically, physically and intellectually desirable. Here lately it seems the universe has been telling me to "pick two". I don't understand why I can't have all three. Oh yes, now I remember. I live in Marshall fucking Texas. I'm a bit too quirky for this town. Distance can be overcome, but I won't compromise when it comes to my daughter. She and I are a package deal. The man I wind up with will have to realize he will be the only daddy she ever knows.
I said last night that I didn't really think I'd ever get married. Is there really not a partner out there for me? Am I destined to raise my little girl on my own?
All I've ever wanted is a family. Some days that seems unattainable. Some days it seems like it might be closer than I think. Sometimes I feel like the kitty in the poster. I'm hanging in there, but just barely. I'm clinging to something that will never really feel safe. Don't worry though - I'm too hard-headed or stupid to give up on a love to call my own.
I've lost more love than I care to admit. All I can really do now is keep my heart, and eyes open and hope for more lovely nights in the future.
It wouldn't be the worst thing for Zoey to grow up without a Dad. She has you as her role model. You have got to be one of the most ambitious, determined, and strong women I know. Those will be the qualities that you pass on to her and when she is grown she will know that she never has to lean on a man for a single thing.
ReplyDeleteI am by no means saying you should give up your search for Mr. Right. Just saying there is a positive in there somewhere. Any man would be lucky for you to allow them in to your life. Keep your head up and keep doing what you are doing. Mr. Right could be anywhere and certainly in places where you least expect.
Thanks Anonymous! Really brightens my day.
ReplyDeleteWas Me. My bad didn't mean for that to be anonymous
ReplyDeleteI still say you need to make a list of criteria a man should fill before he gets a shot at your heart or your daughters.. but then again not every one loves to over analyze everything and break every issue into its own microcosm to be explored from one end to the next in every which way.
ReplyDelete