Smile for the Camera

Ah, the curse of the penis picture. Recently a New York Congressman, appropriately named Wiener sexted on Twitter.

I'm no stranger to receiving an dirty picture or two. I had a brief flirtation with a guy online and thought he was normal enough to have my number. The FIRST thing he did was send me a picture of his dick with the caption "wanna ride?" No hello. No how ya doin. Just an upclose and graphic picture of his junk.

For some reason, the online dating scene is full of these guys. And no one wants to be "that guy". Usually it takes a few dates for me to decide if I want to see someone's package. I've been on okcupid for about a year now and if I wanted to, I could have enough penis pics to have a gallery opening. I might as well have been trolling for sex on craigslist.

I've seen them all. Big, small, crooked and uncut. Some are nice. Others remain burned into my retinas (fellas do the world a favor and try a little manscaping). Unless you've found Bigfoot's dick, I don't want to see photographic evidence of something that hairy.

And it seems the second the picture is received, all communication is lost. No more texts, emails or phone calls. And all I'm left with is photographic evidence that he has tamed the one-eyed monster. What I don't understand is why. If you're gonna commit to sending a photo why can't you commit to coffee? I'm at a total loss. And just like every mother thinks her baby is the most beautiful creature on the planet (mine actually is) every man thinks his manhood is the most beautiful...um, creature on the planet.

So I guess the moral is, once you send you can't go back again. So keep it in your pants until you've bought the lady a dinner or three. Oh, and if you do decide to go ahead and send a photo - at least be a little excited about it.

Beware

That's right. I'm in a foul mood today. A good friend suggested I go to the ladies room here at work and take care of myself.

Fellas do you actually do this? Duck into the men's room and give yourself an attitude adjustment in the middle of the day? I just can't imagine. That's so gross to me on so many levels. You know what? I don't actually wanna know if you do or don't.

I don't need an orgasm (ok, so yeah I do but whatevs). I need romance. I need the company of another adult (male). I need affection. And most of all, I need something to look forward to.

And a quick trip to the restroom accomplishes exactly NONE of that.

Finding a Way

While perusing through Target the other day, I found a sleep shirt that read "Love will find a Way".

Personally, I'd like to call bullshit on that.

There are plenty of outside factors that put so many obstacles in Love's proverbial path it's hard to claim it will always find a way.

For example, here lately I seem to find men that could be perfect for me. If only they didn't live so damn far away. Of course the dating pool here is terrifyingly shallow. But men who share my interests generally aren't drawn to East Texas. Men who enjoy the arts (and are straight), who are college-educated (and aren't already married) and will put up with my admitted quirkiness are extremely hard to find.

It's not that I've given up hope. I'm just going on hiatus awhile. I'm not going to actively look anymore.

And the funny thing is, everyone always tells me that when you stop looking is when you find that very special someone. My attitude has always been that if I'm not looking for something, I'll never find it.

Maybe the hurdles love has to jump in order to find me have been placed there myself. Maybe love will find a way after all.

Wink, Wink

You know the look. A batted eyelash. A crooked smile. A blush in the cheek. It's called flirting. And it's becoming a lost art form.

Look I can be pretty oblivious at times. But I know how to turn on the charm. A few light-hearted jabs thrown into the conversation with a few blatant double entendres used to do the trick. Damn I hate east Texas sometimes. The men here that can track with my admittedly dirty mind are either gay or married (or both).

It's not that I'm afraid to be blunt. It's that I enjoy the chase. That first realization that the guy you're digging might actually like you too is - well it's a hell of a lot of fun. It took my very first boyfriend months to actually make a move. And the anticipation was exquisite.


I'd much rather flirt and date and take my time then ask a man outright if he'd like to accompany me to the proverbial bedroom. Of course I couldn't use words like proverbial 'round these parts. Besides, I'm not looking for someone to fuck. I'm looking for someone to date -and then eventually fuck. I prefer to make love - but when it comes to sex, I'm a realist. Making love is another dying art form - but that's a-whole-nother blog post.


My approach to men is part Marilyn Monroe part Mae West. A little doe-eyed with a bawdy sense of humor. Very tongue in cheek. I feel there's a that's what she said joke in there - but I'm gonna leave it alone.

Here's the Cliff's Notes version of Flirting 101. If a girl smiles, makes eye-contact, touches your arm and flips her hair, chances are she's into you. And If you want to ever get into her - you'll have to pick up what she's putting down.




And if this post offended you - just remember the words of my idol Mae West. "Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often".

Hanging Out and Hanging In

I love evenings when the company is stress free, the laughter comes easily and the beer and conversation flow freely. I had a wonderful evening with an old friend. It's so nice to be able to just hang out with someone special. It's super special when I can let go and truly be myself. No need for filters or fear. I have an amazing life that I've been known to hide. Just being Baily - both the girl I once was and the woman I've become - is such a freeing experience.

Normally, I begin my mornings with joy. I woke up this morning with such a sorrow in the pit of my stomach. What happens when you find someone but there are so many obstacles to overcome?

Finding someone is hard enough. Sometimes I think I might as well be searching for a needle in a haystack. I might never actually see it, but I keep getting poked. I've been told that I will find someone when I'm not looking. I think if I'm not looking, I'm just out there floating. I'm spinning my wheels - standing on the gas but not getting anywhere.

I've been searching for someone geographically, physically and intellectually desirable. Here lately it seems the universe has been telling me to "pick two". I don't understand why I can't have all three. Oh yes, now I remember. I live in Marshall fucking Texas. I'm a bit too quirky for this town. Distance can be overcome, but I won't compromise when it comes to my daughter. She and I are a package deal. The man I wind up with will have to realize he will be the only daddy she ever knows.

I said last night that I didn't really think I'd ever get married. Is there really not a partner out there for me? Am I destined to raise my little girl on my own?


All I've ever wanted is a family. Some days that seems unattainable. Some days it seems like it might be closer than I think. Sometimes I feel like the kitty in the poster. I'm hanging in there, but just barely. I'm clinging to something that will never really feel safe. Don't worry though - I'm too hard-headed or stupid to give up on a love to call my own.

I've lost more love than I care to admit. All I can really do now is keep my heart, and eyes open and hope for more lovely nights in the future.

The Rotation

Fellas, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Most single ladies have a rotation. Meaning, we have different gentlemen we call on from time to time for different things. There are plenty of times when a lady needs an escort. And sometimes, we just want sex. Now this doesn't mean all the men in the rotation have seen us naked- just means you might not be the only man in our life.

There's nothing wrong with keeping options open. It's a defense mechanism really. Some animals play dead, some fight back, and some smart creatures make sure they have a plan B (or C or D or E - All of the above). Having your heart ripped out is no fun. It's a hell of a lot easier when you have someone else to fall back on.

For me, the rotation ends when a committment is made. When a guy decides he actually wants me to be his girlfriend, I will invest all of my time into that relationship. I expect him to do the same. There's nothing wrong with keeping options open while you're single. When you've made a choice - either stick with it or break things off.

Believe it or not, my "type" isn't "has a penis". Although that has been suggested from time to time as being the truth. My type is "shows an interest".

My last serious boyfriend, SB won simply because he made the first move. We dated for 3 years and were wrong for each other in so many ways. At the time, I had two other perfectly nice guys in the rotation. But SB decided he wanted to be exclusive and I gave him 3 years of my life - only to wind up heartbroken.

That makes me seriously reconsider letting the guy make the first move. It's 20-fucking-11 after all. I'm a strong woman. And still, I'm scared shitless. I hate being rejected. But no guts no glory right?

I classify myself as clumsy. A good friend pointed out recently that I'm messy. And he's not wrong. Actually, he's right and it kills me to admit it. So, I'll continue to say he's not wrong. I'm much more likely to drop food on my shirt rather than walk into a glass door. I've done both. Today. But who's counting?

I hope I'm not making a big mess. But here I am...


I'm just not sure if he loves me back. So I'm going to have to take a risk. Fuck the rotation, I'm ready for something real.

And if it doesn't work out - life is just a series of circles anyway. There will be a new rotation. People enter and exit your life for a reason. I'm hope I'm learning my lessons well. I'm tired of heart break and all outta duct tape.

Up from the Ashes

My mother is an amazing source of advice. Unsolicited and unwanted advice. But sometimes she really comes up with some gems.

She asked me the other day if I really thought I could find love online.

Well where the hell else should I look?

I don't think I'll find my soul mate in some bar. I'm out of academia for the time being so no boys to pick up from school. Work? We'll just settle that with a fuck no. And it seems the activities I enjoy are also well-liked by gay men. Que sera.

So it's online or recycle. Now I'm all for doing the planet some good, but I'm not sure if recycling old flames counts.

With that said, I took a HUGE step towards healing this weekend. A phoenix from my past arose from the ashes. And just in time too.

I was under the impression that none of my former boyfriends had ever really loved me. For once, I can admit that I was wrong. And thank goodness. To feel that none of the men I gave my heart (and not to mention body) to gave a rip about me is hard on the ol' self-esteem.

I've been falling all over the fucking place. In my quest for true love I kept hitting brick wall after brick wall. I thought I was destined to stay in a labyrinthine jail forever. This weekend, I just removed a stumbling block. A door opened. A path to getting my groove back was revealed. Now maybe I can move forward again.

I'm not gonna lie. If I could find a way to keep the love I lost and found again I would. I'm just not sure there's a way. But most phoenixes (phoeni?) What the hell is the plural of phoenix anyway? Anyway, they're all destined to die again. Could I survive another death, even if I knew it could be revived?

Or is that love put back in my life for a reason?

I guess time is the only thing that will tell. But until I get a committment, I'm not going to sit in my room and pine for what once was and could be again.

I'm going to go out. I'm going to stumble some more. And hope like hell the next time I let myself fall, there will be someone worthy there to catch me.

Mom's right, after all. I don't know if I can find love on the world wide web. I just know I won't find it unless I look.